Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Seattle Announces Player Protection Program

In response to a federal government report issued today, the Seattle Monarchs announced a series of steps to improve working conditions for its employees. The Bureau of Labor Statistics released its annual report on the most hazardous jobs in the United States. The previous year's top ten list had included famously dangerous jobs such as fishing and logging. But, the new list placed "Seattle Monarchs Outfielders" squarely at the top.

Ned Schneider, spokesman for the Bureau of Labor Statistics, admitted that there have been no fatalities yet among the Monarchs outfielders, but claimed, "It's only a matter of time. I mean, we've got 67% of the work force injured in just two weeks. The outlook is not good."

In response, Owner/GM Mack Shultz announced a series of steps to improve working conditions. "First, David Kerry has been transferred into the witness protection program. Right now, it's safer to snitch on the mob than to play the outfield in Seattle."

The second step by Seattle was to open dialogue with the league's front offices on incorporating "designated fielder" rules. "We don't think it's a coincidence both Guerrero and Cedeno went down making defensive plays. It's a dangerous job out there. We've got to find someone more expendable to shag fly balls. I mean, we can only play Rosato in one position at a time." Reserve outfielder Raymond Rosato refused to comment for this story, and walked away muttering obscenities.

Third, the Monarchs have begun to rethink their practice of holding Spring Training games in abandoned and rusted factories. "We thought this was a great sustainability initiative. You know, reusing things and cutting down on our environmental footprint. In addition, it was really, really cheap. But we've discovered that playing on unstable floors, with leaking pipes and machines falling all around our players, may not be the best way to go."

In what must be a coincidental move, the History Channel announced a new television series exploring the life of Monarchs outfielders. Executive Bill Wussmeyer explained, "Hey, with the success of Ax Men and Deadliest Catch, how can we go wrong?"

You are funny, Mack.

Seriously, some guys are tall but you are funny.
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