Thursday, April 30, 2009

Monarchs Acquire New Victim

The Seattle Monarchs today acquired a new outfielder, and a familiar face at that. Seattle reacquired Lonnie Machen from the Hickory Huskers in exchange for $8 million in cash and left-handed reliever Guadelupe Rodriguez.

Machen went to Hickory last season as part of the blockbuster Greg Mudge / Dong Lutz trade. Now, desperate for more people to play the outfield, Seattle was forced to pay richly for Machen's return. Machen is expected to start in centerfield while Armando Cedeno heals and then share left field with Bill Bivens.

When reached at his home in New Hampshire, Machen sounded less than thrilled to return to his former squad. "First, they refuse to give me a starting position for two and half years. Then, they cast me aside to Hickory. Then, they pay how much money to bring me back so that I get killed instead of that prima donna David Kerry? They're heartless bastards."

Meanwhile, Guadelupe Rodriguez just sounded relieved. "There was a team meeting where they discussed putting pitchers in the outfield to fill in. Thank the heavens I got traded before that happened."

In other news, Seattle planned today to sacrifice a live chicken to appease the baseball gods who have struck down the team's outfielders. Unfortunately, they could only rustle up a bucket of KFC. It is unknown whether the fabled Secret Recipe will be sufficient to lift the curse.

And NO ONE knows what to get Millie and Davy for their wedding!

We're dealing with a lot of serious shit out here.
The office of the commissioners has announced a new target in its Hurt Seattle plan.

"We're really proud to add Lonnie Machen to our hit list," commissioner Zev Steinhart announced today.

Junior commissioner Michael Weintraub concurred. "With David Kerry in protective care, we really needed to find new blood to hunt."

"We thank Frank and Mack for giving us this opportunity."
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